Love letters

We broke up tonight. It feels worse than any break up I’ve ever had. As much as I want to crawl into your arms and have you tell me it’ll be alright, this is a journey in which I must embark on my own. If I love myself then it will leave room for you to love me as you should, as I deserve. I don’t want you to see me this way. I want to die happy and carefree and leave behind only happy memories. I know I broke your heart, I heard it break when you cried. I wanted to protect you from myself but you wanted me even with all my flaws. I don’t want to regret this decision but I know I’m not 100% myself. When I’m with you I’m completely happy, I don’t need to be on my phone or need to be out. I look at you and think how lucky am I, and than it hits. I am a ticking time bomb. I’m a grenade just waiting to explode and I don’t want you to be a victim. It would have been only a matter of time before All of my shards came blasting out of me like fireworks on Fourth of July and there you’d be trying to shield me from destroying myself and taking the hits until a piece cuts you so deep you can no longer stand to be around me. I sometimes wish I could see myself in someone else’s eyes. In your eyes. Maybe then something inside of my brain would click and It would be my moment of aha. But sadly I cannot I must view myself with my own eyes deemed worthy, enough, beautiful, loved. I wish I wasn’t this way but years and years of so called friends, family, lovers and teachers told me I wasn’t good enough. Shunned me for shining so brightly, jealous of my light and so I’ve dimmed myself to nothing but a flickering light bulb too scared of my potential, too scared to even try. I thought by dating I would gain my confidence back but I met a man a few years ago who made me feel inadequate, worthless, and unloveable When I met you I knew. You were the one, and I wasn’t anywhere near ready. But I couldn’t let you go away so I tried to hide this part of myself but I didn’t want to. I wanted you to know every deepest part of me. You kissed my scars and made me feel like the sun beamed out of my face. I wanted to be everything you needed and desired but how could I do that for you when I couldn’t do it for myself. The pressure of a brand new relationship, to be happy all of the time, to not let you see this other part of me was just overwhelming. I’ve told you everything. I’ve left nothing else for you to discover. That’s the part I hate the most. My Weakness, my vulnerability, my crying and feeling helpless. You don’t deserve any of that. You deserve me at my best. You are so special. You’re fucken amazing, one of a kind, truly. And that is why I didn’t want to let you go but I could not be selfish. Not with you. So I know you don’t want to talk to me now but I’ve decided to write you letters on this journey of self love and finding myself. I don’t know what the future holds but I know one day I want to marry you, have your babies, be your salsa dancing partner ( gotta teach me some moves) buy a big house and live out the rest of our days together. Forever ever. And when we are finally married, settled into our lives this will just be a chapter of our story. One we can read together and say we made it.

Always yours, Lauren

P.S.
This is the hardest thing I’ve had to do and you know everything I’ve been through each night I’ll kiss the moon hoping the wind takes it to you this isn’t goodbye it’s I’ll be seeing you.

I don’t know what the future holds it carries treasure I’ve been told and in the end if you are to be found I will the circle the world around and around just in hopes of finding you for then I will know dreams do come true

What they don’t tell you about weightloss

Things they don’t tell you about weightloss. Losing weight first of all is mentally challenging, but once you look at the smaller picture instead of the grand scheme of it all, you get hustling. Thoughts such as, “Oh my goodness my pants don’t fit they are sliding off, time to go down a size hell yes!!!” “Holy shit look at my face, my double chin is disappearing”, or hey I ran a whole mile without stopping, come at me bro!!!! Sign me up for the marathon”! But once you start to lose major numbers you’re gonna get to a point where nothing is good enough. Why? Because one small fucken detail will derail you from the big picture. I’ll use myself as an example. I look like my former self could’ve swallowed my current self whole and probably still shove a whole pizza and coke like nobody’s business. Now My collar bones show, I’m down to a size 9/10 and medium blouses. The scale says about 180. My endurance is at top peak, I can lift you and your mom (just kidding,maybe). I can perform a proper push up, squat, and deadlift. I’ve lost 150lbs, forever gone, bye Felicia! But none of it matters. Why? Because I still have a stomach. No matter what I do that pudgy mother fucker doesn’t want to go away. I have stretch marks that make maps look easy to read, I have loose skin in my thighs, my arms and my stomach. There you go again stomach! I’ve lost my boobs and I don’t look like a Victoria secret model or any of the women on Instagram. The fuck? I sacrifice eating pizza every night for this??? Oh and that’s not the only thing. Physically your body will never look the same. If you’ve lost more than 60lbs, you’re gonna have loose skin, it’s inevitable. Yes weightlifting will help but it’s still gonna be there like the memory of that awful first kiss or your annoying family members at birthday parties and that one co worker who won’t stop biting her nails. Seriously? But ya know I can deal with that the weights gone and so who cares if I have tiger stripes and extra skin, we can share, we can live together in harmony. Except someone forgot to tell my brain that I lost 150lbs and I no longer look the way I feel. When you first think of losing weight you’re like fuck yes I’m gonna rock that bikini at the beach and I’m gonna make so and so jealous and Kim Kardashian is gonna need to make a new sex tape because I’m gonna give that bitch a run for her money! And than bam weights gone and your mind fucks with you like the nerd in high school everybody made fun because they could. Self confidence, what is that? I do not feel confident at all, I wouldn’t take my clothes off if you paid me. New relationships? Fuck those I’ll be forever alone with my fur children because well because fuck that I don’t want to be judged. Unless you date someone who has gone through the same thing as you but in the world we live in, people suck! Self confidence is virtually non existent. Your mind never catches up to your body. When I look at pictures of myself now I’m like really? That’s me? But I’m skinny! Why do I feel so fat? Or the opposite. Omg my stomach is huge ! I should’ve never worn that. Thanks brain for making me think I looked cute in that dress when really I looked like shamus sister 😒. I am terrified of talking to others because when I was overweight I would think that’s all anyone could focus on was my weight. When I see other girls at the bar I feel like I don’t even compare to them. They are so gorgeous with beautiful bodies and I’m just this blob of loose skin and stretch marks, so when invitations are given I usually don’t go. It’s not because I don’t want to, it’s because I’m so insecure and think that everyone will be staring at me and noticing all my flaws and I’m too tired to act perfect so fuck that I’ll stay home and read. It’s a never ending cycle. Self love is non existent, I don’t want to show my body to anyone. I don’t care how beautiful you say I look I am a hideous creature of the night. Look at how ridiculous that sounds! I hear it from girls all the time. I listen to myself all of the time. I’ve seen women wear things that makes me think well if she’s gonna wear that then what the fuck am I worried about? Weightloss isn’t the answer to your unhappiness. I thought men didn’t pay attention to me because I was overweight, now what’s the answer because I still don’t
get any attention. I thought losing weight had all the answers to my unhappiness but it’s not the fucken answer I repeat you vain mother fucker weightloss is not the answer. You have to love yourselff